Parenting is a Balance of Law and Grace

Posted by Matt on April 23rd, 2009 filed in Manners, Parenting, Respect, Uncategorized, love, relationships

I was having a really hard day when I was finally able to get home.  I was looking forward to just relaxing with my wife, Alicia, and my little family.  As soon as I opened our front door, two of my girls came crying and screaming about Matthias hitting them.  Then my eldest came in to explain what had happened.  I heard Alicia yelling at Matthias as he was screaming at her and swinging his plastic bat.  I could feel my blood pressure rising and my jaw locking.

Now before I go further into this story, please remember that I was having a rough day :-).  Anyways, I threw my bag down and yelled, “EVERYBODY SHUT UP!!!!!!!” Everyone just stopped…silence.  “GO TO YOUR ROOMS AND SHUT THE DOOR.  YOU ARE ALL GETTING SPANKINGS AND GOING TO BED EARLY! ” I shouted.  My kids faces filled with horror, hurt, anger, and sadness.  I looked at Alicia and she just shook her head.  It was a heated moment.

“Daddy, you are mean!” Matthias concluded as he stormed off to his room and slammed the door.  My heart was pounding and I took off to go show him who was boss.  Alicia grabbed my arm and told me to take a moment to cool down.  I jerked away and sit on the couch.  I took a deep breath and something made me think about something Dad had told me when Skylar was born.

As Dad and I stood at the hospital nursery windows looking at this amazing little beautiful girl, Dad had his arm around me just talking about how pretty Skylar was.  All of the sudden, a little fear hit me.  “Dad, how am I going to do this?  A parent? A daddy?  I do not know how to do that at all!”.  As always, Dad just smiled.  “Son, you are going to be a great daddy.  No doubt in my mind. But do you want just a little advice?”

“Please” I said.  “Being a parent involves two big things.  Love and teaching.  Skylar will not always listen.  She is a baby… she will act like a baby.  Do not try to force her at 3 to act like a 12 year old.  Allow her to make mistakes.  She will make messes.  She will color on things that she is not suppose to.  You correct her.  But always cover everything in love.  Your grandfather always used to say that if your parenting is 51% Rules/Authority/harshness and  49% LOVE…your kids will only remember the RULES.  So just be a parent full of grace that your babies can make mistakes, come to you in honesty, get corrected and never doubt your love for them.  No matter what they do… they must never never never feel like you do not love them.  Never leave any room for doubt, Son. Unconditional love is just that…UNCONDITIONAL.  MISTAKE OR NO MISTAKE…I LOVE YOU”  A good friend of mine named Kelly puts it this way…”If you parent 51% law, 40% grace…they just remember LAW.”

Alicia came over to the couch and sat beside me.  “You okay?” “Yeah…I am okay.  Sounds like I owe you and the kids an apology for yelling and screaming.  I am sorry.  I am going to tell the kids too.”  When I open the girls door, they had the faces of fear.  I came in and got on one knee.  “Girls, I am so sorry I yelled and screamed at you.  I love you and that was not nice of me.  I am sorry.”  Skylar came up to me and gave me a big hug.  “Daddy, we are sorry too.  We love you.”  I wanted to cry.

I went into Matthias’ room and he was ready.  No kidding.  He was standing in the corner like he was ready for a boxing match.  “You mean Daddy.”  “Oh son.  I am so sorry.  I love you.”  Matthias’ face was one of shock.  He smiled and ran up to me with a big hug.  “I love you Daddy.  I am sorry too.”

Of course, there is a lot more that could be said about this but you get the point.  Take a minute to stop and breathe.  Remember they are kids…not just any kids…but YOUR kids.  Keep in mind how you were as a kid.  Then go and correct.  Do it in a way that they will never doubt your love for them.  Perhaps they will come to you when they are hurt…when they make mistakes.  As long as they feel safe with you, you can keep an amazing relationship with your babies.  My parents sure did.  YOU CAN TOO!!!!