Friday, October 9th, was the one year anniversary of Dad stepping into eternity. I really did not expect this date to be so hard for me. It was tougher than his birthday and wedding anniversary. It hit me like a ton of bricks and caused my emotions to be all over the map. I guess that it was this way because this day is marked with loss versus his birthday being a day of celebrating him or his anniversary celebrating he and Mom’s incredible marriage. October 9th will always be a day of loss…hurt…pain.
I was reliving the last week Dad was here. The “I wishes”, “I should haves”, “Why didn’t I’s” were the overwhelming thoughts of each day. I can easily see how you can go insane if you allow yourself to go there all day every day.
As you can tell, it has been a while since I have written on the DNA of Life. I just could not allow myself to go deep into my memories because I did not know if I could come back out. Does that make sense? It felt like I was falling in a dark hole of sadness. I have not allowed myself to truly grieve over losing Dad because I feel like I must always be strong. I know it is not healthy. I must allow myself to mourn the loss of the greatest man I knew.
I have never been one to let my emotions take me over, but it is ever so challenging right now. I am very angry one minute and bawling like a baby the next. I am quiet today and very vocal tomorrow. I am strong this week and in the pits next. This is the roller coaster ride that many have spoken about. What a sucky ride.
Even though I know Dad is in a much better place and I should be okay…I just am not quite there. For many in my family, this would shock them. I can act well. And yes I am strong but sometimes I just need to put the sword down and cry. Dad was truly my safety net that I knew was always there. He always knew the right thing to say to me. He never made my decisions but was the perfect guide through my heart to find truth for myself.
God has brought some amazing people into my life to help me to continue to mature and grow…and for that I am very thankful. I have an amazing wife who loves me and is there for me. God lent me four angels from Heaven named Skylar, Makayla, Paris, and Matthias. I have the most amazing family on earth. More than anything, I have God the Father. He has set me up to make it through this.
This post is very selfish and self serving…sorry about that. I just have to get this out. This blog has become my outlet…my journal. Alicia has talked me into writing more. We will see…